Marriage, God’s style Stuart L. Brogden 13 Mar 04
I did not plan on speaking on this topic. It grieves me, in fact to bring it up. This is a matter that each of us has some experience with, from one angle or another. For more years than I care to remember, I was center stage in this arena: husbands misbehaving.
Recently, in the space of a week, three women – married to men who are close to me – have approached me with tales of behavior from their husbands that flatly contradicts God’s teaching.
Yelling, manipulation, intimidation, coercion, pouting, silence, and many other forms of self-centeredness. Brothers, this ought not to be named among the body of Christ!
God commands us to love our wives. He does not say to love her if she makes you happy. Yet many husbands are apparently doing that – at most.
We all know the verse in Ephesians, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it” (Ephesians 5:25 – 26). But do we rightly comprehend the implications? As Christ sanctifies the church, so a man is to sanctify his wife – setting her apart as the special person God created her to be. This love we are commended to exhibit carries so far as to require that we surrender our rights to be satisfied, striving instead to see to it that she is satisfied.
1 Corinthians 7:3 - 4 “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”
In our most personal, intimate space and function – we do not have self-rule. The whole concept of self-rule is, at its core, rebellion against God. In Isaiah 14, Lucifer said, “I will” five times while describing his view of self-rule. “How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! how art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations! For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north: I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High. Yet thou shalt be brought down to hell, to the sides of the pit.” Self-rule is rebellion against God. Self-rule leads to destruction. Who rules you? In God’s plan for your life, between you, your wife, and God – you come in third place.
This is what Paul tells all believers in Romans 12:3 “I say to everyone among you not to think of yourself more highly than you ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.” How much more this admonition applies between husband & wife!
Think about how you talk to – or at – your wife. Consider what our Lord, again, commands: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29) The word unwholesome, or corrupt in some translations, means rotten, and was used to refer to rotten fruit, rotten vegetables, or decomposed bodies. It stunk. Have you been letting this of filth poison your relationship with your wife? Brothers, this ought not to be so!
1 Peter 3:7 “Husbands, in the same way, show consideration for your wives in your life together, paying honor to the woman as the weaker sex, since they too are also heirs of the gracious gift of life - so that nothing may hinder your prayers.”
In this passage, our Lord is telling us “to dwell together in close harmony and intimacy.”1 This means that when you get home from work, your first priority job awaits you. You and I are to create an environment of intimacy and spiritual freedom, but to also pitch in with the mundane chores. “Your wife didn’t marry a paycheck, a car, or a job title. She married you.” 1 Don’t fool yourself by thinking your part is complete simply by “bringing home the bacon”.
This passage also tells us that your intimacy with the Lord can be hampered if your heart is not right toward your wife. Remember how fascinating your wife was before she was your wife? You spent lots of time learning about her – her likes and dislikes – and thinking about her – the cute wrinkles around her lips when she smiles. But as time goes by, you can lose interest in your wife, just as you can lose interest in a painting that’s been hanging in the hallway for 15 years.
You can help protect yourself against hardening your heart toward your wife by following a few simple rules:
You cannot obey God and love your wife unless you deliberately choose to prefer her more than yourself. Affairs typically get started because a mate has been neglected at home and someone at the office or grocery store pays enough attention to make her feel special. Are you paying attention to someone else, neglecting your wife? Make a change. Listen to your wife. Study her. Honor her.
You won’t always agree with your wife. In fact – you won’t always understand her. But God’s command for us to love our wives does not have any escape clauses.
In a fantasy what-if story line in the JAG TV show last night, the wife who was leaving her husband of a couple years was packing up to move out. Her husband asked her if she was always bitter, to which she replied, “Loving you was like stepping on a rusty nail.” Just a TV show – does it describe your marriage?
One view of that verse in Ephesians, about “sanctifying and cleansing your wife with the washing of water by the Word” is that your obedience to God in your marriage will be reflected in the countenance of your wife’s face. Have you taken a deep, close look into your wife’s face? Is she joyful? Does she know in her deepest thoughts that you love the Lord and her? Does what you see in her face give you the warmth of knowing you are loving her, or does it give you a disturbing, uneasy feeling that something is terribly wrong?
Self has to be kicked off the throne of your life. You are kidding yourself if you think you are honoring the Lord if you are not also honoring your wife. It’s up to you. Submit to the Lord – be the man He wants you to be. Love your wife – in word, thought, and deed.